TW: a lot of really awful self talk about weight. No, seriously, I’m super mean to myself when I go to this place, and if that’s going to send you to the same place, stop. reading.
So last week was a killer for me. I had a site to build. I was supposed to be editing articles for this site. Oh, and hey, how TF do Facebook ads work anyway? Probably should figure that out before I spend another $100 on them, right? Also, did anyone update Instagram? Does it matter? Why can’t I just post pictures of my cats or my bird and call it a day? Also, I’m eating garbage, and I feel like garbage, and oh my God, I am so fat and gross. Why does anyone even talk to me when I’m so fat and gross? UGH.
Maybe if I were thinner, I wouldn’t be such a slacker. I could work 80 hours a week and not feel overwhelmed. Fucking fat, lazy cow. Just get it together. You can’t do anything right. You don’t eat right. You don’t work right. Maybe if you weren’t such a pig, you could be someone. Also, would it kill you to exercise a little more? Rinse, repeat. Over and over.
Until I say, “Stop.” Because even if ALLLLLLLL of that is true (hint: it’s not!), it cannot be changed today. (Likely, it can’t be changed AT ALL, but I’m not writing that post today.) It cannot be changed in a week or a month. So, what do I need to do to get through TODAY?
Well, for one thing, I need to remember letting myself get overwhelmed leads me to a really dark place. For whatever reason, if I don’t live up to this ideal in my brain, then I am an utter waste of space. So deep breathing and reminding myself I don’t have to earn the right to exist is a good start.
Reminding myself to talk to me the way I’d talk to any of you is also helpful. There’s NO WAY I would say anything even close to this to another human being. Especially not one about whom I cared.
Listing all the good stuff my body can do works. Related: listing my accomplishments for the week is also useful. Even when those accomplishments are “I got out of bed” or “I showered.”
I reach out to loving friends who understand my anxiety and self-loathing are intertwined. I don’t want them to rescue me; I just want them to remind me there’s love in my world, too.
But it all starts with me saying, “Stop.” and taking a beat to turn off that negative self-talk.
What about you? What are you doing to shut the nasty voice in your head up? Share your strategies so we can all build up a damn arsenal against that bitch in our brain, hey?
Wife to Bill.
Mother of Matt, Lenna, and Tricia.
Managing Editor of Audaciously Fat.
Mammalian servant to an avian despot, Courtney Lovebird.
Deliriously happy about all of it.